Understanding Open Adoption

Open Adoptions Are Designed to Benefit Children

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But everyone benefits.  

Many adoptive parents and birth parents are embracing the benefits of open adoption which include: 

  • Birthparents – An open adoption helps many birthparents feel in control of what was most likely an unplanned pregnancy. Instead of feeling as though they are abandoning their unborn child, many birthmothers participating in an open adoption, report feeling less grief and fewer abandonment issues as the openness offers them an ongoing window into the lives of their child. 

  • Adoptive Parents – Open adoption allows birthparents to pass on parenting to adoptive parents, which helps adoptive parents feel more secure when raising their adoptive child. In fact, many adoptive parents and birthparents report more feeling trust and understanding towards one another, especially related to the adoption decision-making process. When birthparents select adoptive parents, it allows them to feel important and entitled, as though they were chosen to be the vessel of life for an infant. Birthparents can also provide helpful medical information and family history.

  • Adopted Children – Open adoptions eliminate the awkwardness involved in children finding out they were adopted as teenagers and undergoing a confused identity crisis. In fact, adopted children feel more comfortable asking questions such as, “Which parent do I look like?” “Why did my mom give me up for adoption?” etc. When a child asks adoptive parents a question that they do not know the answer to, they can turn to the birthparents for helpful advice and answers. When an open adoption is entered into, it allows the adopted child to understand that he/she was indeed loved, but there were special circumstances that did not allow his/her birthparents to offer a family environment. This type of openness allows adoptive parents to experience less confusion and frustration, especially where the adoption process is concerned. Young children often have a difficult time comprehending the meaning behind “adoption” and “birthmother.” Allowing a young child to physically meet his/her birthmother gives hi/her a sense of security and understanding.

  • Extended Family Models – Open adoption essentially recognizes a birthmother as an extended family member, as she is a part of the adopted child’s life. When adoptive parents are able to accept birthparents into their lives, it helps provide a more comfortable adoption process.

  • Difficulties – Open adoptions do not experience more difficulties than a normal family. As with all families, there may be relationship issues, but with counseling they can generally be worked out.

There are so many forms of open adoption. On the one extreme, yearly letters are exchanged through social workers, and there is no identifying information. On the other extreme is the birth mother living with the adoptive family.

With social media, openness often takes on a whole new form. Will the biological or adoptive mother be “stalking” the other on Facebook or Instagram? Will you be friends on social media? Will you follow one another on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, or exchange “chats?”

When deciding on what type of openness between the birth family and the adoptive family, everyone involved needs to remember that this arrangement is about meeting the needs of children, not adults.

The children are the ones who suffer when suddenly a birth mother who has been available and involved disappears. The children also suffer when they are expected to forego a sleepover with peers because the birth mother is dropping in expectantly.

Of course, there is also the possibility that children will learn how to manipulate parents.

Open adoptions require open and frank communication between all the adults in the child’s life.

Many of the parents we know use OurHeartsConnect.com, a social network specifically designed to safely nurture communications between families in a moderated environment.  

Your adoption agency will work with you to find the level of openness that is right for you. 

New Generation, more benefits and healthy boundaries

Colton placement in Denver

Not many generations ago, adoption was secret and often considered shameful for both the birth mother and the adoptive child. In loving consideration for this “shame,” adoptive parents habitually attempted to hide the adoption from the community as well as the child.

Secret keeping, of course, is always a recipe for disaster since human beings aren’t really emotionally designed to keep secrets. In fact research suggests keeping a secret is actually unhealthy and causes stress. Carrying around major confidences causes a rise in stress hormones and related physical problems.

The last few generations have hopefully erased the shame and need for secrets for both adoptive children and birth mothers, moving us into the space where we have open adoptions. Children know about birth families and adoptive families give updates and communicate with biological families.

For many years the prevailing theory was that open adoption confused children as to who their parents were and kept birth mothers from successfully moving on with their own lives. Research has debunked these methods. 

Open adoption is good when it eliminates secrets and shame. Open adoption is good when it allows children to have answers. Open adoption is good when it gives birth mothers a window into their children’s lives and relieves fears of an improper placement.

When deciding on what type of openness between the birth family and the adoptive family, everyone involved needs to remember that this arrangement is about meeting the needs of the children, not the adults.

As in any relationship, boundaries for both the birth mother and the adoptive family are necessary and healthy. 

There are so many forms of open adoption–from yearly letters without identifying information to weekly face-to-face contact.  However, with social media, openness often takes on a whole new form. Are you going to be friends on Facebook? Are you going follow one another on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest or exchanges “chats?” Will the birth family be included in group texts about the child’s swimming lessons? Will the adoptive family be asked to “save the date” for an upcoming wedding?

Our adoption professionals help us think these things through and come up with boundaries and guidelines that we can all agree with for the sake of our children.